The Storm with In....!

He was writing a trillion times over and over again
in the withered pages of his memory
"I love life"
"I love life"
.
.
.
Not knowing that this desire has no end in itself,
he would continue to write not knowing that life
is that grain of sand flowing down in the glass clock
with the constant pull of desire.
His mind creates this bubble of soap, in which he floats,
seeing world through it's sensual refraction.
Afraid he is, of the truth, that will strike as a lighting
on his fragile bubble, breaking his deluded vision.
He was a puppet, puppet in the bowl of glass
smiling all the time to those who wanted to look through him.
Beneath the smile, little did he know what he was
conspiring, conspiring with the pain inside him.
Why did he smile ?
cause he wanted to be happy,
Happy like every other mortal around him.
They all had lives, lives which he never understood,
which had no misery in them.
He always wanted to be a part of it, a part of the party
which looked so happy.
He was afraid to be left alone, left alone in the chilly winds
outside, little did he know, about the serenity in the eye of the
tornado.
He read, read a lot of men, who seem to be telling him a
different story, story that he didn't like, cause the characters
in them where not what he would call "Happy"
He judged, judged the writer by the words he wrote
little did he know, the writer was lying.

Hey.. It's that day again..!

This life as you now live it and have lived it,
you will have to live once more and innumerable
times more; and there will be nothing new in it,
but every pain and every joy and every thought
and sigh and everything immeasurably small
or great in your life must return to you-all in
the same succession and sequence-even this spider
and this moonlight between the trees, and even this
moment and I myself.
The eternal hourglass of existence is turned over and over, and you with it, a grain of dust.

-Nietzsche

Now.. Lets all rejoice..
It's that day Again
Yet another day that people waste loads of money to
rejoice the vanity.. of time.

Wish U all A Happy New Year

More Questions and Madness...!

Why am i in Pain ???
Why did i ask this Question when i knew the answer ??
Can you Renounce your love for something ??
Or is it just the passage of time that erases it ??
What happens when a taught string snaps..
why is that instance so powerful ?
where does that force go ?
I've snapped alright, but what happened to my force ?? Can a force die out ??
what's the origin of this force, if had it in me, how am i dispelling it ?
and where am i throwing it.
Is my pain just another manifestation of my force ?

I am a fool, wasting this precious force in guilt and remorse
i ought to realize my entirety which has no boundaries, how do i remember
this, is enlightenment just the hardwiring of this consciousness ??

The mirage, that gives me pleasure is a swamp, each whim of pleasure
makes me oblivious to my fall in to this deep marsh land.
Life's incredibly stupid, just like me.

This wasn't so bad…. was it???

He floated in his mothers womb for 8 months 21 days,
this ocean of blissful ignorance---this lack of identity,
was all he knew and that's all he wanted. He never had
a past to repent , nor was he deluded by the future
in all it's vanity. His mother's blood and flesh brought
with it not just the nourishment, but also the conscience
which soon caste its ugly shadow on him, making him feel confined,
he soon became claustrophobic, the thoughts of bondage
smothered him. He wanted to break-free from these maternal clutches
and plunge in to the unknown, he soon realized he had a voice in his
head that spoke to him so often, that with time he couldn't distinguish it from himself.

It became his identity; it told him that he had the strength
to get out of this place, which once was heaven to him. Inquisitive,
is all he was, when he started kicking, in a week he was kicking
so hard that his mother gave in and there he was--- out of her womb,
crying, repenting, on his past for the first time. He was struck
with remorse on his decision to break out, but little did he know
that this train never turned back.
The voice within which was now his identity was never at rest,
it was his first friend, that taught him all the things which in the
near future a man in a black robe would read them out as the seven deadly sins,
Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Anger, Greed and Sloth.
But how does he, a stranger to this carnal land know that they
were detestable, so he did as his voice told him. He succumbed;
he felt a sense of pleasure when he indulged in each of the seven,
little did he know that a Jew who was nailed to a cross, for calling himself
the Son of God 2000 years ago told his disciples who wrote it all
in a book that said--all who indulges in them would be punished
in a scary place they all called hell.

But once he was told that this self indulgence was against the
mores and cardinal virtues scribbled in this age old book, he
was to stop his voice from making him yield to them. He was
confused, utterly baffled cause he realized that he was no longer
in control of his voice. His mama, saw the boy crying when he couldn't
fight this inner voice anymore. She, a faithful follower of the
virtues, did what her mother in fact his great-great-great ...
grand mother has been doing since Eros, took her son to a
place with triangles carved all over it, candles burning near
the picture of the bleeding dead Jew on a cross.
And gave him the same book that she was given, and years
past the kid was able to suppress the voice by telling it
that "It was ok, not to feel bad now that we have the seven
virtues on our side, we can indulge in the seven sins and
still make it to the Heaven", cause the Jew seem to be
pardoning every one who read the book and went to this place once a week,
Now,
This wasn't so bad…. was it???

The Voids.. I hate Em.. all

I feel Langoured, Fatigued, Slothed, BlazEd, Jaded
as i type these words,
All my fruitless trials to fill in the voids of my life with
meaningless conversations and pointless errands, are
so evidently mocking at me.
I want to be subsumed in a passion so eternal that it would
consume me, my thoughts, my apprehensions and just
takes me away from this monotonous trials of pouring sense
in to this porous life.
I am tired of even talking about the worthlessness of my actions,
tired of being so tired. I sometimes wish i was depressed, as it won't be
such an emotionless phase. I certainly understand the transformation
that i am going through, but i still feel like a coccon smothered
by the winds of change.
I sometimes feel like we are all those insects caught in this huge
spider's web, feeding each other hypothetical notions of an ideal life,
far from the strangled reality.And all the glimpses of euphoric happiness that we
percieve are the repercussions of the intermittent free fall we experience
when we break through one net and are waiting to hit another one indefinitely.

Deja-Vu

I had to stay-up alnight working for a conference dead-line lastnight,
was totally exhausted when i slept @ 9 am at one of my close friend's place.
Makes me wonder, what a nice way to ruin a week-end :).
Anyways, i had a goodnight's ( shoud i say goodday's ) sleep and woke up @ 2 am
did some regular grocery on my way back home. Feeling not so rummy about cooking
we planned to lunch out, so we landed up in Paneera's Bread.
Half-way through the lunch ( i guess we were at an altered state of comfort ) , when we
we were talking about the Precoginitions of an after life where
we were born in some european country and played soccer for a living
( Quite a fantasy ain't it ?? ), out of no where
i had a deja-vu. The sudden euphoria made me change the topic of conversation
from a confabulation of future lifes to deja-vus.
I came up with an explanation saying, deja-vus happen when your present perceptions
by-pass the shorterm memory and register the feelings directly to the long-term memory.
Though, this concept of mine wasn't debated furthur, we both decided to look in to the
topic which apparently is experienced by 70% of the population and ignored by almost the
same number of them.
So, did some browsing on the topic and what i found was utterly amazing.
It may be my initial phase of aggravated appreciation for things that are
going to become disintersting in the future, but it might as well be a
rational explanation to most of the so-called spiritual revelations.

Whatever the reason was, this link seem to have thrown light in to a lot of
my dark thoughts.

deja-vu' being here now and then

Cross-Roads...!

Every time i fall, the ambition inside me gains more ammunition
I feel like I have a split personality, two people whose paths are bi-furcated
from very birth. These paths have been converging and the day
They meet is the end of my conscious self and that day looks close.
There is this sudden urge by one of the personalities to break through
this lab-rat life and give this world a sense of the other person.
Where this other person is oblivious to such ambitions he lives in a
Eternal bliss, rejoicing with every moment, every nick of time feeling the
Wholesome self that is one with every from of life.
They don’t cross their paths nor are they seeking such a union, but
The ambitious one feels weak, feels fear, feels anger at the other's
Complacency with the things around, he wants to feed desire, desire to
Conquer the world and show the ignorant that such an achievement is worthless
Eventually.

Is that when they will meet ??? may be, That’s why there are two of them,
to become One

Unwell by MatchBox20

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why


But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind


But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away



But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

NYC

Took a detour for two days and i am back on the monotonous high-way tunnel
seeking light @ the end of it. It was my first visit to the mother of all metros
NYC. Yet another experience that strengthened my belief in the illusionary nature of the phenomenon which most of us choose to call life.

I could go on and on and write about how happening the streets were,
how humongously scintillating the skyscrapers looked from a distance,
and how roaring madison-square-garden was when bon-jovi appeared
in the centre of the audience like a street magician.

But, i know that wouldn't be any different from what you've
once heard or surmisedabout the blues of a rock-conecert in NYC.
So, let me tell you about somethingunique that i've seen.
The day after the concert, five of us ( four of my good friends )
took a one-day joy-ride pass @ one of the subways on 42nd street
and set off to explore the city.
i was sitting next to a porta-recan looking guy and was just
lost in my usual reveries. when the train stopped at the 53rd street
i noticed this person entering the train. The first impression that anyone
could get is an awe ofguilt by looking at his state, he was a crippled
midget dragging his wheel chairin to the throng of commuters.
For a second, i was dumb inside my head may be it stopped thinking
for a while and was just able to process what it saw. My whole chain of
thoughts broke and i started thinking about this. what gives such a person
a hope to live, which brings me back the eternal question that i still don't
have an answer for,
"what's the meaning for this life ?"

Aren't we just trapped in these body, as an invisible prison gaurded
by senses , feeding us cowardice when ever we want to break out of it.
Can a person be ever free enough to just break though these clutches
and experience death and hence freedom at his own will ?

That state which i am trying to define, where i am really free to
see things as they are, but not as my senses and my premonitions
make them seem, is what i seek.
Don't get me wrong when i speak of death, i don't want to be suicidal
i just want to realize that some part of me is dying and a new part being
born at every minute instance of time.

If appreciation is just an acknowledging a contrast, i think a trip to NYC
is worth every penny. for, it would only be complete if you are able to spot
the contrast.You have to experience the smothering busy streets before you float in the
serenity of "Central Park". Only after two hours of basking in the fresh winds
of this serene lake view park at the center of manhattan i could appreciate
the beauty of the city.It's so close to the parallel that says, only when you have
entangled yourself in the clutches of materialistic pleasure can you ever
experience the state of realization.

In spite of the pre-conceptions of the "Glittering" night life of NYC, it
couldn't bloom any new buds in my brain's garden of blase.
And i turn Yet another page in my life.

Manual

RTFM it's an acronym to Read The Fucking Manual,
These days there is a Fucking Manual for using even the toilet drain,
what about this invaluable piece of machinery that every one of us
uses 24/7 but never paused to read the fucking manual,
Wondering what that machine is ?
RFTM
here's an less scientific and lazy man's MAN-page
check out this video

The phoenix rises from the ashes

I know i am a "piece of shit" right now in your eyes,
i don't even deserve a reply ??
U've blocked me in all u r messengers... what am i if
not a
piece of shit in your eyes,
Guess what Fuck it..!
i give a shit..
I'm gonna show this Fucken world, what i am made of
NO MORE TEARS..!

Why should i Cry ???

U're the one who lost some-one who loves you..
Not me..

No one ever gave shit, abt me.. but its gonna change
This is my life and these times are so hard,
i will work through, i dont want your pity


Be selfish, you have every reason to be,
But i'll be back, back to fill in every moment i
missed


I can do anything i can set my mind to. and i know
whati am born for. I know the purpose of my life. No more
confusions

adieos
So Long...!

PS: Ppl don't be confused, its a monolgue from a screen play that i am working on...! it aint my story :)

I am..!

Today, i really felt what is to be dead, i have seen my soul leaving my body.
I wanted to cry out loud, but i wasn't able to, there is so much pain that i
not able to feel. I know its in me, but i am not able to feel it.

when the pain you are trying to conquer mocks at you, saying that you have to live with it for the rest of your life.
when it talks to you as though it has become a part of you.
when you are disillusioned, but its too hard to accept the reality.
when you start questioning yourself, why am i still sane ?
How am i still breathing ??

You can feel something dying inside you, you can smell the odor of death, death of those subliminal thoughts that make you have that recurrent dream. when you start
realizing what "pain" actually is.

How can you still be alive...???
Am i evil ?? Yes i am, Cause i am living dead.
i am the cause of my misery, i am the pain that consumes me
i am the death that awaits me to go six feet under.
I am the life that has just pierced through me.
I am the thought that cheats me saying it's Gonna be ok...!
It's never gonna be Fucking ok...!
I am the reason, that betrayed me.

I am a fucking pussy, who cant take a break up, who cant move on with life
Who can't stand on his feet, who needs a woman's bosom to comfort him.

I am the truth that i am running away from

I am the person who i hate the most.

I am the alibi for a life lost in self reproach

I am the finger pulling trigger, in point blank.

I am the ashes, floating in the water and blowing in the wind

I am the tremor that shakes my whole body, with each whim of pain.

I am the coward, who's gonna live the rest of the life living someone else's dream and thinking that he's doing the right thing.

I am the idiot who never thought twice.

I am the villain in my story.

War n Life

They say,
" it's never easy to kill a person,looking him in the Eye",

But, come to think of it, It was never easy to accept so many
harsh truths about life for all of us.
I remember my first visit to the slaughter house, i swore to become a
vegiterian for the rest of my life when i saw a chicken being killed ruthelessly
right in front of my immaculate soul that has never been so close to death.
What happened after that ???
i was a vegiterian for about 5 years but slowly
my point of view changed, i was by then aware of the darwin's principle
"Survival of the Fittest".

This, may not be analagous to what goes in the mind of a soldier before he
reloads for another rampage, he might be trained to kill,
" Pride of the Nation, The spirit of America, Freedom and Justice for all "
could be some of the strong convictions
that might have given him the impetus to join the army
or it might have been mere poverty, which is by statistics a dominant factor.

All these great ideals, may have kept him strong during the
strenuous training, where he is trained to be a rutheless killer
who doesnt think twice before pulling the trigger.
But, on the battle field the sight of a dying person, those cries of
help would be resonating in his mind not those high ideals or the
tough pep talks of his commanding officer.

These events must have made him question the very cause of his actions,
the glimpse of truth put him in this utter state of depression and lack of
motivation. A state of remorse, will clatter his hands and they will
tremble at the mere sight of the enemy, at this point it boils down to a corollary
Darwin's Good Ole principle, "Survival of the Quickest"
He makes his way throgh all the hard days, returns home to a soldiers welcome and
spends the first day or two thinking it's all over.

But, little does he realise that he is no longer the same person, some thing deep down inside him has changed, the whole concept of a country and the "Line of Control", will look
funny and hypothetical, cause he knows that they dont exist.
Some go up in ranks, some quit, some become veterans these doesnt interest me
But there are some who become "Serial Killers", Obsessed and Haunted by their
past life, they suffer dellusions , scenes of war are still visible in front of their
eyes, they are still fighting, but this time the enemy doest have a name, he doest
have a batallion, he comes in many forms. All he knows is that he has to be on the
gaurd, his hands on the trigger are pleading for action

How Does this Story End ???

Sinking Thoughts

Life is moving in to that phase, where you are not a
part of anyones life, but yours.People seem so consumed
by their daily desires and responsibilities that beyond
a point everything that they are possibly concerned
about are themselves.
It clearly shows, when someone is dis-interested in
what you want to express.That is what has been happening to me.

Being an introvert for most of my life has left it's scars on me,
whenever i let myself alone, i tend go down that path.
I tend to put myself in a cocoon and shun my thoughts in to the
black holes of my conscious brain.
And @ times like these when i am trying to
get rid of these old habits, people turn their Fucken Knives
inside me and make feel even bitter.
But i won't let my thoughts consume me.
It does'nt mena that i want to stop my thoughts
"i would dare not".
Because to me this "Thought" is what defines me in this time capsule
of my life which itself is a infinitesimal glitch in the entirety of the Universe.

So, when someone says to that i am trying to prove myself
superior to him/her .I feel like snapping out of this monotonous circle of life
with such a terminal velocity that i escape the concept of time and hence the
human conceptions of life and death.
"What Matters ??"
Is the Question we all when we pause to take the next gasp of air
before we drown again in to this sea of illusions.
The Quintessential thing for me is to know the secret of life
not from an evolutionary point of view.
I feel every event that we experience is an instance of so many
random distributions that your computer is smart enough to compute
Nor your brain has yet learnt/discovered all these events.

"Feasibility ??"

"Intuition ---> Conceptualisation ??"

"Conceptualisation --> Formulation --> Theoretical Analysis --> Implementaion
---> Demonstration "

Demonstration This is what everyone Fucken want to see...!
This is what they look for subconsciously when they
earn for a magic show / suspense thriller.

"Movies" && "Me"

Why am i so intrigued by moveis ???
why do i want to become a writer/director

1. Am i selfish ??
No, not in this goal

2. Vision
I had this vision, when i was commuting in yet another day of my
lab-rat life. The concept that the thought that
generated from your brain being communicated to billlions of
brains which are eager to know what it means.
Eager to feel it as you've felt it. Eager to see the world through your eyes

This is what gives me the kicks, This is a reason Big enough to dedicate the
rest of my life.

Gustave Flaubert

I can't be more raevnous to disclose the splendor of this Master Piece " Madam Bovary".
While reading the book, i was transported by the ingenious narrations of Flaubert
to places i haven't even dreamt of, peeked in to the deepest emotions of
those people i have never seen. Nevertheless, if felt as though every narrative, every character
was moving in front of my eyes, exposing the human emotions which i can very much relate to.
There is no single sentence, that i can label as redundant.
If "Fountain Head", touched me then i can say "Madam Bovary" took me on a bungy-jump.
Man... Best trip Ever...!

Makes, me wonder what kind of man Flaubert was ?
How profound and yet so rustic in thoughts, man of great insight in to human emotions.
If only he was born in these days and had a penchant for psychology what a Boon he would be
to the world of Human Psychology, as he can analyse every percievable emtion and the actions that lead to it.
And, i wouldnt dare listing his metaphors, which in themselves were so complete that i must admit i never felt as though he was being poetic. Never, seen a novel structured so splendid and yet terse.

Great writers like him, are to be crowned for proving the world the power of a human brain and giving this world such a sense of possibilty.

I raise my glass of with respect, A TOAST TO FLAUBERT...!

Dreams ..! Can They be True ??

What's More Enigmatic Than a Creature that Spends 1/5th of it's life in an alien state
and is not perplexed by the phenomenon ???
Yes, i am talking about Dreams , we all have them don't we ??
But Have you ever wondered, what your first ever dream was about ? and Were you not Qrious
to know why do we have them ??
You might have taken them for granted over the years and forgot to ask the Question
Why Do We Dream ??

Here is what i gathered From some Causal Browsing.. Makes me want to Dwell Deeper .

Our dreams combine verbal, visual and emotional stimuli into a sometimes broken, nonsensical but often entertaining story line. We can sometimes even solve problems in our sleep. Or can we? Many experts disagree on exactly what the purpose of our dreams might be. Are they strictly random brain impulses, or are our brains actually working through issues from our daily life while we sleep -- as a sort of coping mechanism? Should we even bother to interpret our dreams? Many say yes, that we have a great deal to learn from our dreams.

Dream Philosophy According to Nietzsche ( M did u hear that :) ?? )
"In the ages of the rude beginning of culture, man believed that he was discovering a second real world in dream, and here is the origin of all metaphysics. Without dreams, mankind would never have had occasion to invent such a division of the world. The parting of soul and body goes also with this way of interpreting dreams; likewise, the idea of a soul's apparitional body: whence all belief in ghosts, and apparently, too, in gods."
Why do we Dream?

For centuries, we've tried to figure out just why our brains play these nightly shows for us. Early civilizations thought dream worlds were real, physical worlds that they could enter only from their dream state. Researchers continue to toss around many theories about dreaming. Those theories essentially fall into two categories:

• The idea that dreams are only physiological stimulations
• The idea that dreams are psychologically necessary

The Theoretical Divide

Physiological theories are based on the idea that we dream in order to exercise various neural connections that some researchers believe affect certain types of learning. Psychological theories are based on the idea that dreaming allows us to sort through problems, events of the day or things that are requiring a lot of our attention. Some of these theorists think dreams might be prophetic. Many researchers and scientists also believe that perhaps it is a combination of the two theories. In the next section, we'll look at some of the major dream theorists and what they say about why we dream.

Dream Theories

Dreaming in Public During the Roman Era, some dreams were submitted to the Senate for analysis and interpretation.

First and foremost in dream theory is Sigmund Freud. Falling into the psychological camp, Dr. Freud's theories are based on the idea of repressed longing -- the desires that we aren't able to express in a social setting. Dreams allow the unconscious mind to act out those unacceptable thoughts and desires. For this reason, his theory about dreams focuses primarily on sexual desires and symbolism. For example, any cylindrical object in a dream represents the penis, while a cave or an enclosed object with an opening represents the vagina. Therefore, to dream of a train entering a tunnel would represent sexual intercourse. According to Freud, this dream indicates a suppressed longing for sex. Freud lived during the sexually repressed Victorian era, which in some way explains his focus. Still, he did once comment that, "Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar."

Taken from http://howstuffworks.com

100-things about myself

1. "Soccer" is my religion.
2. I believe in believing
3. I spent my child-hood in a beautiful valley and i'm back after 12 long yrs in another beautiful valley.
4. I dont believe in soul-mates, cause life ( an hence my soul ) is always changing.
5. I always wanted to be a stand-up comedian, cause laughter is the best gift you can give to someone.
6. My Big-picture of life ironically is to "write, direct and produce" a movie ( A BIG PICTURE ) that will stand the test of time and will touch the lives of millions who watch it.
7. I am a Jack of all trades, master of a few :)
8. I consider myself lucky.
9. As a kid i used to envy my brother for growing up so taller than me, now i am the tallest one in the family ( though by half and inch :))
10. I have a wondeful supporting family, but as every coin has its flip side, i haven't been staying @ home since the last 6 yrs.
11. I was a pessimist until i met an optimist who changed the way i looked at things.
12. I was cynical and hated humanity, but it changed with time.
13. I like to play pranks on ppl, but feel bad when it hurts them too bad.
14. I like to pen down my ramblings and feel good when it makes sense to someone other than me.
15. I always had a craving to find my niche, where ppl recongnize me for what i am
16. I like kids and their innocense.
17. I can get really addicted to things.
18. I was a real stubborn-kid.
19. I had once developed a false ego and then killed it.
20.I can be a real introvert if i let myself loose.
21. I have this uncanny ability to recognize ppl of my-types.
22. I would live and die for "Arsenal" an english soccer team that i worship.
23. "thierry henry " is my "Soccer- Player of the Century".
24. I want to die-in the arms of a person whom i love.
25. Life has taught, " it's always better to learn than to be taught".
26. I can eat sleep and breath "MOVIES".
27. I cant spend a day with out playing /working-out.
28. I like killing time when its more important than ever.
29. I am a liar.
30.I can be honest to the very few, i can trust.
31. I wish - "State College" was as fanatic for soccer as it is for foot-ball.
32. I can get really protective if i start loving someone.
33. I am an extremist.
34. I want to go on a non-predestined road trip.
35. My energy comes in bursts, it's the interval that makes me really weak.
36. I sometimes feel that life is just a long dream and ppl wake up when they are dead.
37. I once had a talking "mina" bird as a pet, which was eaten by our cat since then i detested the idea of pets.
38. I cherish my care-free hazzle-less country-side child-hood.
39. I've always been a sportive high energy person.
40. Trust is all i seek from a companion. Nothing Else Matters
41. I hate the "Holier Than Though" attitude, i believe in Equality.
42. Politics never intersted me, Arts is what i am made for.
43. What would i do if i won a million dollars in a lotto ? Spend Every Buck on My "BIG PICTURE"
44. I once fell for someone so badly makes me wonder what "Self Respect is ?"
45. I earn for a weekend in the carribean with my partner.
46. Fantasy - Watching Metallica live in Concert Before a "Arsenal" champions league final
victory.
47. Authors who were most influencial in my life "Ayn-rand, OSHO, Timothy leary and RGV"
48. soap characters that blast my stomach " Joey Triviani ( Friends ), Eric Cartman ( South Park ) "
49.I recede in to a nocturnal TV surfing lazy bum once i go home for a vacation.
50.I want to travel around the world and write a story that reflects Life as it is.
51. I like watching Art Films, that are close to reality.
52. Given another life, i think i would end up making the exact same choices.
53. My worst fear - Death of my loved ones.
54. I wanted to be a doctor like my dad, when i was a kid.
55. I was video-game fanatic in school.
56. I was my school cricket-captain.
57. I was out on a "Duck", when my dad first saw me playing cricket.
58. I was a very sensitive child, couldnt take even sarcasm.
59. I always wanted a younger brother or a sister, hated being the youngest one in the family
60. I once looped a song for almost an entire day - Metallica "Unforgiven II"
61. Never touched booze/fag in college.
62. I hate when people tried to pamper me for favours
63. I like watching movies back to back
64. I was/still am a DREAMER.
65. The thing i cherished the most - my first bike
66. My role model as a kid - My big bro
67. I was always camera shy.
68. I was often mistaken for a junior in my final year at college.
69. I never set my foot on dance-stage before IITM, but ironically i went on to become a choreography coordinator
70. I used to love sketching as a kid, i remeber amazing ppl with my sketches of Buddha
71. I was a staunch worshipper, before i became agnostic.
72. My freinds are my biggest assets.
73. I can be real naive, before i master things.
74. I believe, you loose only when you stop fighting.
75. I've always been a romantic.
76. I had fear of drunken people ( donno what phobia its called :)) as a kid.
77. I was considered a meek kid, until my parents saw what i had become in college.
78. I used to love, the mythical stories of my grandma.
79. I still feel sometimes i have to grow up and stop being nuts.
80.I tend to magnify my greif and tend to be a masochist.
81. My mind is always looking for sarcasm.
82. I like seculsion when i am tired.
83. I tend to become friends with less materialistic and more artistic people.
84. Never liked wearing watches.
85. I am allergic to lactic acid - NO MILK PRODUCTS
86. I like the cold climate.
87. I best friend calls me an "ass-hole"
88. dreams and deja-vu always perplexed me
89. If i had just one day to live, i would want to make a movie about it and die watching it.
90. I am always seeking, have to learn to give more.
91. I hate when people speak about etiqutte.
92. I always wanted to be on top of Things
93. I suck @ most of the games, that my best friend likes.
94. Life's been a real roller coster ride, since past two years
95. I like travelling with my bro in our car.
96. I was always a supporter of the Under-Dog
97. I was a chubby kid for two years.
98. I want to open more and stop isolating myself from reality
99. I wanna look Life in the Face and " Love it "
100. I never thought i will finish this list :)

Cheers to M, who could get such an impetus out of a lazy goose like me

If you want to know about her looks at
M's 200 things

why the F$@$ should i write ??

The thoughts smothering your conscience are like ripples on a serene lake. Just as your reflection takes a surreal form, when you try to look through it, the thoughts in your brain generate illusionary visual perceptions. To see the real image you need to stop these ripples, calm your mind and try to focus on the thought.

Try to extract the chain of events that led to such a disturbing thought. This is a critical process, because the thought itself is so overwhelming that it casts its shadow on every other attempt to analyse it.It can create a mirage in your brain, personifying itself as reality.

There are various techniques that help you focus on the thought, The one that i am trying to develop is " fixation through active-recall". The basis for such a technique are the following obeservations

When i start to write about the thought, i tend to analayse it more clearly ..!

Q:why ?
A: Because my brain which can be abstracted as a complex neural network, has been trained in such a way, by every exam i wrote, every report that i scribbled, by every letter i composed.
Hence, it seems logoical to me at this point to soothe the ripples and see the clear picture
by fixating on the thought, when ever i recall it through writing.

I call it ' recall ', cause when i am writing by brain is involuntarily activating for the sequence of
actions that perform writing.
From the knowledge i have about the nervous system i can breifly/ very abstractly classify them as

-- Actions like movement of arm, gripping the pencil, fixing the eye focus on the paper.
-- Nervous system is constantly being accessed bu the brain
--Commands to the mortar and optic nerves are being issued
-- just like a processor context-switches between these active processes when i am writing i am switching between
a) what i am about to write {{ The thought}}
b) How to write {{ Involving the actions listed above }}

This gives me a chance to focus on my thought more intensly, cause my brain is aware that the time-slice given to it to process the thought is limited. As, it can be observed when the time is lmited to do any action ( Eg: reflex actions ) the impeccable sub-conscious comes to play.
Hence, the limited time-slice forces the subconscious to come to action. And, this is the essence of the whole "why the Fuck should i write", analysis.

Hope this made a little sense to those who read it, an my suggestion is stop reading and start writing. Its no different from meditaion.

Requiem for a Dellusion

****************************************************

Long gone are the days, when i used to muse about what
to do with all the free time i have.
life's on the busy lane. Feels like i am back in
high-school, only difference is the chillin weather
and the hot babes with skinny outfits. "reasearch" is
the term i hated for most of my life, and what's more
satiric than me doing a ph.d.
But as  always things are not the way u think they
would be, in my case it so happens that i came
prepared for the worst.
For a guy, who's only pre-conceptions of research were
the insights given by Dilbert's comics. Mimicing the
life of a ph.d student as a mer e slimy, book reading,
seat warming and monotonic "bum", this small exposure
to research came as a big surprise.

Let me get to the point as i know i am starting to
make little sense, contrary to all the pre-conceptions
( which i am sure most of us share ), i realised its
not what i expected it would be. I aint procliaming
that life of a ph.d student is "FUN". But, just
presenting you an anomaly, its ME.

I will get to the CRUX, as most of you might me
falling under the impression that i am "ON" something.
I took an appointment with my advisor to start
discussing my future work, to my surprise he turned
out to be a "cool" guy, who enquired about my
interests ( academic ) which made me think really
hard, as i never had a field of interest or a penchant
for knowlegde before. I blabbered something, which to
my surprise made sense to me.He ended the meeting on a
good note, saying he would get back to me.

Guess, what the Dog got still lucky. SUSU calls me and
tells me that i am officially an "Understudy" to him,
long live my advisor.
Which basically means that, i can discuss research
problems with him, during the half-time of a soccer
game or a set break in a badi match. The first words
he spoke to me were "footer khelna hai kya ??".

WHAT MORE CAN I ASK FOR :))

Mr.Brownstone

I get up around seven
Get outta bed around nine
And I don't worry about nothin' no
'Cause worrin's a waste of my... time

The show usually starts around seven
We go on stage around nine
Get on the bus about eleven
Sippin' a drink and feelin' fine

Chorus:
We been dancin' with Mr. Brownstone
He's been knockin'
He won't leave me alone
No, no ,no, he won't leave me alone
I used ta do a little but a little wouldn't do
So the little got more and more
I just keep tryin' ta get a little better
Said the little better than before
I used ta do a little but a little wouldn't do
So the little got more and more
I just keep tryin' ta get a little better
Said the little better than before

Chorus

Now I get up around whenever
I used ta get up on time
But that old man he's a real muthafucker
Gonna kick him on down the line

I used ta do a little but a little wouldn't do
So the little got more and more
I just keep tryin' ta get a little better
Said the little better than before
I used ta do a little but a little wouldn't do
So the little got more and more
I just keep tryin' ta get a little better
Said the little better than before

Chorus
Shoved it in the bindle and I shot it in the middle
And it, it drove outta my mind
I should've known better, said I wish I never met her Said I,
I leave it all behind Yowsa!

The play

"We are all actors in this eternal play of Life"
cliched it may be, but the innate truth of this statement
is undeniable.
come to think of it, every human act is a complex function of
a myriad of chemical reactions giving rise to nuerological perceptions
which get transferred in to actions by the moratar nerves.
Most of us know this fact, human anatomy and nuero-sciences have existed
even before they ever came in print.

But, just as the audience who read the review in the tabloids,
drove all the way to the theatre and bought the tickets
with their hard earned money, want to forget all about that and
get entranced my the varied emotions of the play, We want to
forget the facts and become mere puppets which are hard-wired
at the parts of our brain, that retains the facts known about our sensoy perceptions
to have a volatile memory.

When we took a conscious decison to be a part of this eternal comedy,
why do we start complaining when some ACTs dont have the so called happy endings ???
why do we fail to recognise that this is what we seek, the sorrow of tragedy
with a constant hope of a forthcoming twist that will change everything and
the immaculate "happily lived ever after" ending.

We seek and we seek more.

What if we choose to get out of this play and plunge in to a state of super conscious ness, i aint talking about being a ascetic, i would dare not.
In such a state how would be percieve the daily human acts wont that be
so hillarious that we would enjoy the so called meta-play ???

many experiments on psychedelic drugs have revealed such states of super-consciousness, where people have experienced that are considered practically
impossible like time travel, witnessed the evoulution of life on planet and walked on the water and swimmed in the air. Does it imply that there do exist short-cut ( i think of it the only practical solution ) to attain such a state of super conciousness. Though we all have been tuned to think that what comes through suffering and drudgery is the real fruit not the ones that hang on to the trees of the garden of EDEN, but we all take a flight-to reach home fast dont we ???

delirum..!

I ain't the Rolling Stone,
Mist is all i seek.

The Little that i did walk,
Lays buried in the sands of time.

Wax, is all i am,
Burning with every nick.

Shine, i may one day,
Empty shell is all i'll be.

Dreams, are all i have,
Tires my body, chasing reality.

Rise..! Oh my self,
Six Feet aint so Deep...!

I wish i had missed that bus..!

Fed up with the awkward pre-semester bus timings, i was bemused in my bewildered self while waiting for my R Bus. Often in such situations i keep myself occupied by wathing the throng of people passing by. I was knocking up like the nozzle of a pressure cooker when ever i saw a bus approaching and was flattened every time i found it was the wrong bus.

Frustrated with the prolonged delays, i thought i'll take a stroll down the side walk and come back. Just as i was taking my first steps, i saw her, a young blonde with a fair complexion. Making her way through the couples walking before her holding hands and expressing their affection in all kinds of ways. Her cherubic face and her supple body glowed like the reflections of still waters on a sunny day.

Its not her blonde hair or her beautiful face that left me staring at her as she struggled to wheel her way up a slope to the dorms.Yes, she was a cripple on a wheel chair..! Its not that i havent seen a physically challenged people before, but i didnt expect to see one in a state university.

My conscious was screaming at me , to go ahead and help her through, but my indian bread inhibition was holding me back feeding my concious alll kinds of excuses. i was being flooded my all kinds of thoughts.In a country where people seem so amicable on the outset , who stick a smile on their faces and utter unexpected friendly greetings.why is she alone ? why isn't some one helping her ? Is it her Ego or self respect that prevents her from asking for a help.? Or isn't there really no one to help her ?

Just as the frog was about to get out of the well and open his eyes to the world around, arrived the R Bus. I saw her, struggle her way through the slope and now with a sense of relief wheeling down the slope to the dorms. The guility bastard got on the Bus..!

What am I thinking when I start scribbling down my frustration?
I feel as though the 100 billion people on the face of this planet have put their butts together and exhumed their intestinal gases on my fucken face. That’s how stinking I feel in the inside..! They say morals from the outside, when deep down inside
We all know that we are no different form their so called “Sons of bitches “.
Constantly, hiding behind their perpetual screen of self respect and idealistic bull shit. Tell me one Mother fucker or Bitch that wouldn’t take a chance @ “Fart once and Win a Billion Contest”?? If one such contest exists, down goes your self respect through your anal tract. That’s all it takes to break that fucken screen that you hide behind.


Show me the mother fucker that created the etiquette and I will prove it you how slimy he is deep down inside. I ain’t proclaiming that leave all your clothes and be butt naked cause, now you know the truth. The reason, behind letting out my frustration mediocricity is the blatant crimes that the people commit when they point a finger at the so called social outcasts for being true to your self.

I remember my class 4 moral development teacher saying this “Children, No matter what happens in life be true to yourself and be what you are”.
I feel like slamming my foot in to her you know what and ask Respected Mam..!
What if I realize I am god-damned ass-hole deep down inside and others are no different??
Will my mother love me for what I am??
Will my interviewer consider ass-hole a valuable addition to my moral conduct??
Neah..! I don’t think so, then why create the impression in the kids as though they are living in a parallel universe where truth prevails and the good will win over the bad eventually. Like a happy ending of a 20th century fox 70’s musical where the happy American Family unites like they are posing for a E-grade tooth paste commercial as the credits start flying in and as the curtain comes down.
It doesn’t take us long to realize that life ain’t what I thought It would be, it’s outrageously different and I am not ready for it. I wish my teacher has taught me how to lick the ass of my boss to make him feel all rummy about giving me a raise. I wish my teacher has taught me how to answer my dad when caught me smoking a joint in our garage. I wish a lot when I know it ain’t the way things are. It’s hard to take such things for granted when you’ve been told the opposite. I wanna rant and rave for ever if I thought this would provoke some thought but I know it wont.
So, all you sons of a bitches and sluts, realize what you are at least now and stop killing the mocking birds around you.